Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Quick Start Guide to Women or... The 10 Womandments

i was recently asked for some married advice by a long time and newly rediscovered male friend of mine who is getting married for the time. how he managed to escape the alters clutches is beyond me and not really pertinent to this storey and list.

all men at one time often wonder if there is a handbook to operating and figuring out women. well there is, but it's so large that shipping would be preposterous, plus it involves at least a 10 year commitment from the man wanting it. meaning that you have to commit to at least years of a monogamous relationship to obtain the holy grail of enlightened knowledge of the female species.

in the meantime, i think i've developed a rather handy quick start guide. it's like when you get a new computer and you've got this ginormous manual wedged between the tower and the keyboard box but up on top is this single sheet of easy to read AND understand guide soooo....

Quick Start Guide to Women aka The 10 Womandments

1. open ended questions should be answered with "you're pretty" also applicable if you're asked something and realise that you didn't hear her the first five times. this response confuses us with the spontaneous and hopeful honesty about our looks and distracts us away from the original question which was probably about how we looked anyways.

2. always take the trash out, especially when it's dark out side. or when it's cold. or immediately after a scarey movie. or while our favourite show is on tv.

3. kill all bugs. also kill all rabid, foaming at the mouth vermin threatening us within a 2 block radius. however, be prepared for a 30 minute tearful diatribe about the killing of said animal, come with tissues and probably a shovel.

4. keep your razor clean and available so that we may secretly use it on our legs, oh and sharp too. dull razors piss us off.

5. do not fart and then leave the room or try to blame it on the nearest animal; blanket farting is also not acceptable nor does it make you endearing no matter how cute we think you are.

6. say goodbye to whatever tacky man clothing you've been holding on to for the last 17 years; the wife beater shirts are also out. holey tighty whities are out. if you don't accept this rule now, you will, because while you're away at work or at a game or in the bathroom, they will be secreted out the door and into the universal black hole that all women have the power to conjure up at any given time.

7. when things are bad, always say it's going to be all right even if you are positive it's not. we can plainly see for ourselves that man eating shark coming straight for us, but for most women this is about the only time you can actually and blatantly lie to our faces and we will welcome it.

8. when she is ranting and foaming at the mouth just listen attentively and try to get the middle section of your brow furrowed together to illustrate genuine concern, some nodding is good, grunting is not. do not try and fix what we are ranting about, do not rant back, no cogitating, no debating. just nod and accept that it will be over soon and you can continue with your previously pre programmed evening. you do not have to fix everything, unless it's mechanical or dirty or smelly.

9. bring us things. this will vary from each woman but most women do not care what you are bringing them just as long as it's something. good examples may be, tulips out of the neighbours garden, the fancy new pen off your co workers desk or a two caret diamond ring.

9a. do not buy us clothes, especially lingerie. you're a dirty minded freak of nature and we not appreciate trying to climb into 7 inches of fabric that only covers 2 inches of our bodies!

10. do not critique our cooking unless you are emeril or malto mario cause if not, be prepared to wear what you've picked at or cook for yourself for the next month.

ladies, feel free to amend, adjust or add to this list and distribute as needed.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Do! Not! Want!

i have been casually watching all of this idiotic banter between the mccain and obama parties with lukewarm interest for the last few months.
until this morning.
been listening to the walton and johnson show out of houston, tx. i've really tried not to cause, well the reason isn't important any longer. the point is that they have a message and it needs to be heard.

i'm anti obama.
and no. it's not a race thing.
it's an idiot thing.
it wouldn't be a race thing if the candidates were asians or norwegians now would it?

according to policies that obama has conveinantly buried, he wants to bring back the draft and not only that but he wants to be able to draft women into combat now. this was supposedly uncovered yesterday. here and yes, mccain wants to enforce the draft to but not to women.

you're all a bunch of jackasses if you vote for this man. kool-aid drinking jackasses. that little snippet was declared and buried yesterday in obama's ever growing and already staggering list of new policies along with the piles of spending on "special interest" tasks. apparently americans aren't special enough, we have to go OUTSIDE the country to drag in more shit to waste money on. not that we haven't done enough of that.

i understand that's it's probably pretty exciting to potentially have the first black man elected to the highest office in the country. indeed.
anyone but him.
i'd rather have snoop dogg as president than obama. the man isn't even black! or will smith!
why the hell isn't will smith running for president?! now him, i would vote for! twice if they'd let me.

Barack Hussein Obama is not half black. If elected, he would be the first Arab-American President, not the first black President. Barack Hussein Obama is 50% Caucasian from his mother's side and 43.75% Arabic and 6.25% African Negro from his father's side. While Barack Hussein Obama's father was from Kenya, his father's family was mainly Arabs.. Barack Hussein Obama's father was only 12.5% African Negro and 87.5% Arab (his father's birth certificate even states he's Arab, not African Negro). From....and for more....go to.....

http://www.arcadeathome.com/newsboy.phtml?Barack_Hussein_Obama_-_Arab-American,_only_6.25%25_African that is after you get past the stupid arcade commerical.

i also discovered another interesting article here.

personally when it comes to voting day, i'm casting my ballot for donald duck then packing and moving to a small insignificant european country because america is going down. people, put down the kool-aid and pull your heads out of the butt of the jackass next to you. we are a nation of people who do nothing but question and whine about everything. where are the questions and whining now? i don't hear enough questions about some of the dipshit things this man has and IS wanting to implement and inflict upon americans and i'm hearing even less answers.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Remembering Katrina

i'm feeling especially melodramatic today cause it marks the 3 year anniversary of hurricane katrina and yes i was a part of it. the first year was more a humble reverence and a, look how far we haven't progressed since that day. i'm convinced that nothing in the deep south progresses, only regresses. anyways so the second year, i don't even think i paused that day but this year it's impacting all of us because this year is special. enter (soon to be) hurricane gustuv and it looks like he may be bringing brothers and sisters with him. very thoughtful.

in 2004 we lived in central florida. i was a complete newbie to the whole hurricane scene. i have little to no faith in hurricane forecasters. hurricane charley came into florida on the gulf side and they told the tampa area to buckle down and instead it hung a sharp right at punta gorda and cut a path of destruction across the state and right over sebring, where we lived. in the center of the state some 100 plus miles from the water on each side and it still wrecked our town. let me tell you what though, the state of florida is hands down on the ball when it comes to pro active emergency disaster relief. granted we were with out power for five days but we were the first in our section of town to get turned back on since we were on the hospital grid. what an ordeal.

a couple of weeks later we see frances knocking at our door. and again, it traveled across the state and right over our area. we were only with out power a couple of days on this one. and once again, the state of florida was on the ball. they already had power companies and emergency relief in a staging area outside of the hurricane's path and they swooped in as she left. but as she left the state we were already preoccupied with something even more terrible than frances.

hurricane ivan, ivan the terrible. a category five storm. holy shit. i am so glad we didn't get to partake of any of that. thankfully it downgraded to cat three before it slammed into alabama but it still left a deep gouge.

and again, a couple of weeks later all eyes to the screen to watch jeanne! jeanne was crazy. forecasters said she was going one way and she went another. she actually made a loop de loop in the atlantic! my god she was big though. she made landfall in the same spot as francis did as a category 3 and right over sebring she went. this is the one i'll always remember cause i sat in the middle of my living room holding my one year old and rocking back and forth in the middle of the night while my husband was sound asleep in bed. as jeanne passed over you could actually feel the house contract, something to do with the immense barometric pressure. she ripped the gutters and the fascia from the house and although it was major damage, it made a godawful noise in the middle of the night. when you can't see a thing.

shortly after that we moved to mississippi. oh yay. we drove over escambia bay where the bridge was torn out from when ivan had left it's mark. we all had to drive on the untorn side. i held my breath the entire way over and that's one long ass bridge too!

now fast forwarding to august of 2005!
let me tell you right now, living in the deep south is like living in a third world country.
you need a passport to get in and out, or at least you should. plus your shots.
and if anyone from the south is reading this has a problem with it, then fuck you, you've obviously never lived in a normal part of the country before.

august 23rd, tropical depression #12 was born in the atlantic basin. next day she earned her name, katrina. the next day she grazed the tip of florida as a very modest category one and reentered the gulf on the 26th at tropical storm level but quickly blossomed into cat one. a very ambitious storm, by 5 pm on the 26th her projected path was in our immediate area and she was a cat 2. there is a monster in the gulf of mexico, does not anyone see it? three days warning, three days to plan and ready people to what's coming. what happened? 26 hours later, she's a little stronger and now on direct route to new orleans. everybody, get the fuck out, yet nothing.
on the 28th, people are starting to pay attention and are now scrambling like roaches after someone's turned the light on. katrina is now a category FIVE event and in the middle of the gulf. she fills the entire gulf of mexico! at 2pm on the 28th her winds were 175mph, my god.
she thankfully made landfall as a cat 3 storm with 125 mph windspeeds and might i remind you ALL, her land fall was just east of the MS/LA border and NOT in new orleans. just in case there is any confusion. you people that live and build in new orleans are fucking idiots. you live in a puddle, next to a puddle, next to the ocean. what are you thinking. don't even bother answering that. we lived poplarville, and of course she went right over us.
i don't even understand what these two states were even thinking when this beast started bearing down on us.

from here, i have a hand written journal of the next nine days, that's the length of time we were without power and it's the first time i've read it since then and i'd like to share it now. unedited.
i want to add that during this time i am currently 6 months pregnant with my 2nd child.

day one of hurricane katrina:
we woke up monday morning to no power and vicious winds. jack was oblivious and asked about the tv a couple of time. skittles (the cat) was very scared and jimmy acted like it was just a day. i want to move to canada where i'm told they don't have man eating storms. was able to talk to my mom and jimmy's mom throughout the day and was updated about the storm and it's wherabouts. the last call i was able to make was in the evening to my dad and step mom and they didn't even know anything about it. they probably still have no idea of what has happened here. jack and i were upstairs in the nursery looking out the window and all of the sudden it broke and something hit the wall next to us. small rock. i can't believe we were right there when it happened. then later on i was in the bedroom and heard this loud squishy thud in front of the house and tried to look out the window but all i could see was tree and rain. monday evening we tried to get to the farm to check on the "old ones" and got within 4 miles of the house and had to turn back-all roads were completely blocked with trees. the whole area looked like an angry child swept his hand across his toy town, scattering everything.

day two, tuesday:
so the loud thud i heard yesterday was the neighbours giant live oak falling across our drive, into our yard and onto our house. if it would have gone the other way it would have killed them for sure and a little more our way it would have done the same. water damage from the roof leaks which is of course from every single shingle being ripped from the roof and now they're scattered all over the lawn and plastered on the garage door and our neighbours house. kinda funny in a way. trees and power lines have been shattered and splintered and are strung across all the roads, cars, yards and houses everywhere in town. nothing is open of course. gas, water and ice are a myth. i don't think it was too hot today, still cool from all the rain. because i can't phone out anymore i can't find out if my mom is coming here or not. she was supposed to leave thursday morning for vacation time here pre hurricane. because of the gas shortage i'm concerned that if she comes down she wont be able to get back out. so i wait.

day three, wednesday:
today is hot. we're out of cold food and drinks now. they open the grocer just enough for people to stand outside and ask for items so jimmy goes and stands in line for 3 hours for a couple sacks of dry food and a little water. we still have running water and have been boiling it to drink. pregnant women aren't supposed to drink water that's been boiled unless there's nothing else. interesting factoid. today my feet start to swell. a lot. jimmy has been waiting for a shipment of chainsaws to come in so we cant try and cut our way onto the farm. no dice today and i wont wait anymore. we head out and jimmy brings his sidearm cause there's been looting all about. thankfully someone else with their chainsaws have come through and cut to the other side and we make it. the farm is broken as jack says and it is certainly a terrible site to see. i can't believe all the houses made it with only minor damage. the old ones are down at their house sweating and looking miserable. they've got a generator but it uses so much gas and they're out already. i'm worried about memaw, she looks far away and repeats a lot of things. aunt linda looks worried and i hated leaving them but we were only adding to the body heat. betty ann travled out to hammond to try and get to her apt to see if she can get the old ones over there. they have power and water. we hope. it was a good day but a little deflating. tonight was cool and we grilled the last of our hamburger and i'm little worried cause it looked bad. but we feed fred and fran our neighbours and they brought some plates and forks and a pea salad she made and then their last tomato. it was a cherry tomato and she sliced it into tiny slices and it was wonderful. and there was sweet tea.

day four, thursday:
today started off coolish and is now pretty warm. now i start really worrying if my mom show or not. the thing i told her is that we might need a chainsaw and now jimmy has pretty much secured one and we don't need her to bring one in. even if he didn't get one, i'd rather have the food and water. you can't drink a chainsaw.
jimmy went out a 6.30 to stand in line for water and ice. he brought back 4 cases of water and 6 big bundles of ice. i feel greedy and i hope there's enough to go around but they asked how many are in the family so that's what we got. today is the first day we see the national guard with supplies and medical care. jack and went to the high school to eat breakfast. they started today being able to serve 3 meals a day to the town. thank you. yesterday we went to the 1st baptist for lunch so at least people wont go hungry. after we got back betty ann came by. she hadn't been home from hammond yet. she looked wrecked and i gave her a big hug and she just cried so i hugged her some more. her place will do for linda and memaw so hopefully she'll get them there today. she told me that ronnie is driving back with a few generators from virginia. travis is bringing a few people from washington and some building supplies and should be in today. and jimmy's dad is coming! i hope his mom comes too! i really need a mom even if it's not mine. we borrowed a little radio from next door and listening to all the reports coming in from the areas hit. new orleans has many dead and we hear the number is in the 1,000's and rising. surely it'll only get worse with the heat. resources are finally starting to leak into the state slowly. any news regarding the power company is a boost. i've noticed they don't report the temp on the radio, very courteous of them. jimmy got his chainsaw today, he looks like christmas. it's the big pro version of what he wanted but ordered a smaller version. was all they had. fema picked up the tab. all chainsaw purchases are free. outstanding of them. we had ice in our drinks for lunch,very nice. jimmy got his new chainsaw stuck in the tree while trying to cut it and i had to help pull the tree down with the bronco. what a grizzly adams moment for me.
it is most definitely hot today.
we're sleeping on the floors at night. the is unforgivably hard but it is amazingly cool and when you have a big baby belly, every bit counts. i lay my belly on the floor and it's okay. skittles got some tuna for lunch today and i thought she was pretty happy about that until she threw it up on my shorts. at least she missed the bed they were laying on. thanks a lot you little fur ball.

day five, friday:
my mom came in late last night and although i was relieved to have her here i am worried about her getting out of here. she brought a chainsaw and a a tonne of water and food, toys for jack and stuff for me. i'm pretty excited over the water myself. just minutes after we unloaded her, jimmy's parents pulled in! they brought a generator and a truck and trailer load of food!!! they both brought gas-very sensible. after everyone got unloaded, the parents went to bed but jimmy and i couldn't sleep. jack got a treat in the morning with both sets of g'parents being here. we all went to the farm. memaw and linda were still there? at least they're running the window ac now off the generator. ronnie told us all to be very upbeat in front of linda, i don't know in who's best interest he believes that to be in. hi because he'd have to deal with emotional things or hers because she'd have to deal with reality. grow up. my mom looked miserable and i wish she didn't. i wish she'd just relax a little. i knew the heat was going to be hard on her. we ate lunch at linda's and sat in the air conditioning. it was very nice. jack had a lot of fun hanging around g'pa. we went home and was going to eat at the high school again but saw the line and thought we'd do okay at home. fran came and told us they had fresh chickens and we bbq'd them! i gave her some pasta for mac & cheese. she brought lettuce and bread and more sweet tea. it was a pretty good day.

day six, saturday
last night dan came over from texas to help out. this morning jimmy and dan went to the farm to work. while they were gone ronne came to the house with the three boys that travis brought down from washington just to find roofing supplies for his own house when only one of them needed to go. that makes me very angry. i'm also very tired this day. we are still completely isolated from the area in that any news that dribbles in is only of new orleans. we still have nat'l gaurdsmen around but it still feels like we're in a bubble. i'm so thankful and blessed for all the family that has come in and some from so far away.
tonight i noticed a lump on my throat and made jimmy give his unprofessional opinion. we both agreed that it was being pregant and heat related.

day seven, sunday:
it got pretty chilly through the night, i wish it'd last through the day. the trash people came and picked up garbage today! thank god too, was starting to get stinky everywhere. mother has been busy putting foil and heavy blankets on all the windows to thwart some of the heat coming in and i think it's working a little. it was very hot outside today. she keeps walking around taking the temperture and reporting it.

day eight, monday:
one week anniversiry of the hurricane and eight days without power. it's eternity to a preganant woman. we went to the high school for breakfast and the lights and the a/c was on!!! the lights were on in two of the gas stations and a few places here and there. the president is supposed to be here in town today at one of the gas stations. i just saw and heard marine one fly over with two escorts so i guess he's here somewhere now. my mom is getting too bossy and negative. i'm sure she thinks she is helping but her tactics are too aggressive for me. always something mean and critcial coming from her. jets have been flying over the area for an hour now. the president and his four escorts have left the area no doubt. probably to someplace air conditioned and with lots of food i presume. how's that for negative?
jimmy and dan came back and reported that ronnie has been in top form today and hopefully he wont go back. dan left this evening and jack took quite a liking to him. more lights are coming on in the city!

day nine, tuesday:
it got downright chilly during the night and is still very nice so close to noon. my mom thankfully left this morning and with nearly a fully tank of gas. one of the gas stations was pumping last night! for all the calmaity and self induced drama she cause i am still sad to see her go. jimmy actually told her thank you for everything, i hope that knocked some ice chips off her heart some. jack and jimmy are working on the yard across the street and cleaning up around the neighbourhood. we just heard that a family member of our neighbours just died, very sad.
we sat on fran and fred's porch tonight enjoying the cool air and power trucks are driving down our road! they said 45 minutes and they didn't lie! i'm gonna go kiss them all!

and that's my nine day account of hurricane katrina, there was a few more days after that but i tortured you all long enough. it was just more little trivial things that we take for granted like fresh food and ice cubes and family members being idiots and postal service, phone calls from the outside. the experience in florida with the hurricanes gave a person faith in humanity. this one with katrina just pissed all over it.
our town has only 2500 in it and yet we had looting and robbery and people shooting at one another, stealing gas from their cars and hoarding supplies and just general ugliness. i got lucky and i had wonderful neighbours that loved us and my son. and i'm going to go over there today and hug them.

if you've made it this far in your reading, thank you.
what's my message? besides being nice to people cause they might be saving your dumb ass later on, it's probably count your blessings and hug everyone.
oh i know, being negative in a stressful situation does not make it any less stressful and may get you conked on the head.