i was recently asked for some married advice by a long time and newly rediscovered male friend of mine who is getting married for the time. how he managed to escape the alters clutches is beyond me and not really pertinent to this storey and list.
all men at one time often wonder if there is a handbook to operating and figuring out women. well there is, but it's so large that shipping would be preposterous, plus it involves at least a 10 year commitment from the man wanting it. meaning that you have to commit to at least years of a monogamous relationship to obtain the holy grail of enlightened knowledge of the female species.
in the meantime, i think i've developed a rather handy quick start guide. it's like when you get a new computer and you've got this ginormous manual wedged between the tower and the keyboard box but up on top is this single sheet of easy to read AND understand guide soooo....
Quick Start Guide to Women aka The 10 Womandments
1. open ended questions should be answered with "you're pretty" also applicable if you're asked something and realise that you didn't hear her the first five times. this response confuses us with the spontaneous and hopeful honesty about our looks and distracts us away from the original question which was probably about how we looked anyways.
2. always take the trash out, especially when it's dark out side. or when it's cold. or immediately after a scarey movie. or while our favourite show is on tv.
3. kill all bugs. also kill all rabid, foaming at the mouth vermin threatening us within a 2 block radius. however, be prepared for a 30 minute tearful diatribe about the killing of said animal, come with tissues and probably a shovel.
4. keep your razor clean and available so that we may secretly use it on our legs, oh and sharp too. dull razors piss us off.
5. do not fart and then leave the room or try to blame it on the nearest animal; blanket farting is also not acceptable nor does it make you endearing no matter how cute we think you are.
6. say goodbye to whatever tacky man clothing you've been holding on to for the last 17 years; the wife beater shirts are also out. holey tighty whities are out. if you don't accept this rule now, you will, because while you're away at work or at a game or in the bathroom, they will be secreted out the door and into the universal black hole that all women have the power to conjure up at any given time.
7. when things are bad, always say it's going to be all right even if you are positive it's not. we can plainly see for ourselves that man eating shark coming straight for us, but for most women this is about the only time you can actually and blatantly lie to our faces and we will welcome it.
8. when she is ranting and foaming at the mouth just listen attentively and try to get the middle section of your brow furrowed together to illustrate genuine concern, some nodding is good, grunting is not. do not try and fix what we are ranting about, do not rant back, no cogitating, no debating. just nod and accept that it will be over soon and you can continue with your previously pre programmed evening. you do not have to fix everything, unless it's mechanical or dirty or smelly.
9. bring us things. this will vary from each woman but most women do not care what you are bringing them just as long as it's something. good examples may be, tulips out of the neighbours garden, the fancy new pen off your co workers desk or a two caret diamond ring.
9a. do not buy us clothes, especially lingerie. you're a dirty minded freak of nature and we not appreciate trying to climb into 7 inches of fabric that only covers 2 inches of our bodies!
10. do not critique our cooking unless you are emeril or malto mario cause if not, be prepared to wear what you've picked at or cook for yourself for the next month.
ladies, feel free to amend, adjust or add to this list and distribute as needed.
5 years ago